


Breaking Ice and Broken Hearts

by AkaiBaraPark



Series: You broke me beyond repair [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bad Decisions, I'm Sorry, Ice Skating, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Mild Gore, Murder, Separations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27396325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaiBaraPark/pseuds/AkaiBaraPark
Summary: His heart was like the ice he was skating on, shiny and clear at first. But scratched and ugly when dusk crept in.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Seo Changbin
Series: You broke me beyond repair [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016329
Comments: 10
Kudos: 22





	Breaking Ice and Broken Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I was feeling like it and I was not in a good mood... yeah enjoy.

It hadn't always been like that.  
Ice skating was fun and almost like a way of breathing to him.  
Christopher was almost a child born on an ice rink. He started skating from a very young age, his parents taking him and his siblings to the winter ice rink in the middle of town.  
At first it was a game for him. Running on the ice, falling flat on his face and laughing. But then, as he grew older it became more than that. A real passion.  
He took ice skating as a sport when his parents asked him to choose. And he lost himself in it. Working hard at school but also working hard on his skills.  
He was graceful, full of natural talents and joy. A real dancer on ice.  
He lived for it. Lived for the cold to embrace him before training, lived for the bruises on his knees and arms whenever he fell, lived for the applause when his parents came to his competitions. He lived to breathe in the cold air and music.  
He was, during a long time, one with the cold, with the ice. He loved being alone to dance on the ice near closing hours after school. He loved being alone with his passion, never letting anyone get past the walls he built himself. Walls built to success in making his passion into his whole life.  
The bite of the cold was almost warm to him. The ice rink was his soul cleanser. 

In a way, it still was.  
He wouldn't be here if it wasn't, fastening his shoelaces and looping them in each hook securely. A cloud of his breath leaving him and the cold enveloping his aching body.  
He got up from the bench he was on and got on the ice. It had just been flattened, it was glistening, not yet scratched and torn by blades from different people going either clumsily on the ice or with a more expert strut.  
Christopher was a regular here, well more than that, he worked here in a way, he was a professional figure skater. Sometimes he was a simple teacher helping the younger generation to stay straight on their blades, but most often than not he was there for competitions.  
He won a few and was well known in the city and all around the country. But he always stayed true to himself.  
Friendly, helpful and easy going. 

Today was a calm day, he wasn't the only one on the ice, but he was alone enough to do some spins and even some Lutz or jumpies, he heard the youngest group of children call them that once and it melted his heart.  
He was there to empty his head, feel the air ruffle his hair even if the ice rink was an indoor one. It felt good. He didn't feel as drained when he was skating. 

Life can be hard sometimes, and lately, to him life seemed like the hardest thing to exist. 

He met Changbin around seven years ago. He met him here, on the ice rink. Well not really on the ice, but near the pinball machine in the cafe area where team members and friends tended to meet after an afternoon of playing tag on the ice or after a training session.  
This one time Christopher went to the cafe right before a rehearsal for an upcoming competition. He was nervous and almost spilled his hot chocolate once he got it from the barista. Embarrassment started making his ear burn when he noticed a light chuckle on his left. 

"That's not funny ! I could've dropped it."  
He said pouting before looking at the guy in front of the pinball machine.  
He almost dropped the chocolate a second time but this time it wasn't because of his nerves but because the smile he received was even shinier than his clothing. 

"But you didn't. Crises aborted"  
Said the young man before holding out his hand for Chris to take.  
"My name is Changbin by the way !"  
He said with the very contagious smile of his.  
Smile he still had to this day, though Chris wasn't on the receiving end of it lately.  
He took Changbin's hand in his and smiled softly.  
"Christopher but… people call me Chris"  
They smiled at each other and started talking for a while. So long that Chris missed the start of his rehearsal and got nagged at. Nothing too bad.  
Not when his new friend stayed to watch him do what he loved the most. Become one with the frozen water cracking under his well sharpened skating blades. 

It has been so long since Changbin last came to see him compete. Or just see him in here in general.  
Coming to the realization made him stop near the protective wall. He gripped the edge calmly trying to keep his emotions in check. He wasn't there to cry. He wanted to start fresh, head empty, mind free.  
But all he could see was a distorted image of Changbin smiling at him from the audience benches and holding a bouquet of yellow roses for him to take after his victory. 

They met here.  
Changbin proposed here as well.  
Most of Christopher's life had been birthed between these walls after he broke his to let Changbin enter his world.  
It wasn't so cold anymore at that time.  
He wasn't alone anymore in this.  
And everything he did, he did it for himself, but also for Changbin's smile.  
Chris loved seeing him there to cheer for him. They never skated together, Changbin being very clumsy and scared of the overall skate. But he never missed a rehearsal, nor did he miss any competition or performance that Chris put out.  
Now, it wasn't the same. 

Their relationship grew slowly, they became friends, then best friends, and started hooking up for some reasons. At that time, Chan was twenty one and Changbin twenty. They had very different lives and they liked it that way.  
Changbin was still a student. Working toward being some sort of biologist. And Chris was already on his path of becoming a professional artistic skater.  
They shared everything, from secrets to kisses and all their first time.  
They did everything together.  
They built their relationship steadily, and after being sort of friends with benefits, they called it quit and decided to date.  
And these years became Chris's best years. His happiest times.  
From age twenty two to twenty six, they were together. Very much in love.  
Well, Chris wanted to believe it was love. 

He looked at his left hand, his engagement ring still on his ring finger. 

Mind you, they were still together but Changbin changed.  
And to Chris's misery, their relationship was cracking. Like the ice did whenever he stepped on it to dance.  
But he didn't want to dance on the shards of his broken heart.  
He didn't know how or why. But life took a wrong turn, and like a failed Axel leading to a sprained ankle, their love story started derailing. 

He remembered well when it started to go wrong. He remembered Changbin coming back home later than usual, tired and moody after another day at work.  
He would try to cheer him up, cooking for both of them even if he was terrible in the kitchen, Changbin was always the one cooking in case he blew up their whole house by accident. But sadly Changbin would just smile at him and kiss him on the forehead telling him he ate at work, before heading for the bathroom to shower before isolating himself in their shared bedroom.  
Christopher would just stare at the door for a while before eating alone in silence, worry eating him from the inside.  
He knew Changbin's job was hard. He knew it wasn't really what he had wanted at first. But he seemed fine with it at first.  
Life pushed him to let biology out to become a nurse.  
And he was a good nurse. He was good at helping others.  
But failure was something he always hated.  
And becoming a nurse felt like a fall during a competition. A mediocre grade. 

Christopher knew Changbin felt inferior in a lot of ways, they both grew to like each other when one was becoming a rising star in the ice skating field. Changbin always felt inferior to Chris.  
Even if Christopher made it his mission to make him feel loved and like he would succeed in whatever he wanted to do.  
Sadly things aren't that simple.  
When Changbin got rejected from the school's he applied to, something in him broke. And that when it started spiralling.  
Becoming a nurse was a nice change at first but it was only a facade. Christopher learnt it way later after Changbin once again came home late.  
At night.  
He'd fell asleep on the couch waiting for Changbin when he came inside the house, in a sort of second reality. He was struggling to walk straight and hit his foot against the TV stand startling Christopher awake. 

"Binnie why are y-"  
"Shut up already ! I'm here, I'm fine. Just shut up"  
He growled making Christopher nervous and rendering him mute. He looked at Changbin, fighting against his boots to take them off. They were covered in mud and wet. He then watched him shrug his uniform off and throw it on a chair before staggering in the kitchen opening the fridge and rummaging through it.  
Chris stood up after that, tears prickling his eyes, and headed for their bedroom. He got into bed in sweatpants and buried his face in his lover's pillow, holding it close, and tears spilled, searing against his skin. 

Changbin never had the most wonderful life.  
He grew up in a very modest family with one older sister. Being the youngest would make him the favorite but sadly, none of them was the favorite. They were left to themselves because their parents worked night and day to stay afloat.  
His sister didn't even have the chance to go to school like he did. To follow a dream like he did.  
He had been lucky for a while, yes he had to go to school and work at the same time but at least he was creating a future for himself.  
Changbin had goals and they rarely crashed down.  
But he ran out of luck seemingly after meeting Chris.  
It was weird really, how Chris's rise towards his goal spiked once he met Changbin.  
Every competition he won for him. He fought for each of Changbin's smile. And to make him proud.  
But each new victory made jealousy boil inside of his lover.  
It was malicious, burning each string that held them together. Burning their love that they took so long to carve from their own hearts. 

Then hate started festering in Changbin and all nights became this. Chris staying up waiting for Changbin to come back. Sometimes for nothing, sometimes just to get cursed at by a drunk future spouse he didn't even recognize.  
It took time for it to escalate to where they were now. 

Christopher took a deep breath and skated toward the exit of the rink, slipping the blade-guard on his skates before going to his locker to get his bag and shoes.  
He sighed deeply, closing his eyes and banged his forehead softly against the metal.  
He just couldn't take this situation anymore.  
He was living with a stranger that he knew for so long but started forgetting. 

He longed for Changbin's smile, for his warm touch that he welcomed in his frozen world years ago. He longed for deep conversations and cuddles on the couch while watching movies. He longed for the nights when they would love each other more, and for the sunrise to highlight their passion.  
He longed for what he'd lost.  
Pressing the palms of his hands against his eyes, he willed the tears away and headed to the cafe.  
The barista, Hyunjin, smiled at him as usual. And made him a hot chocolate out of habit.  
Hyunjin was a friend.  
And he was worried.  
As more forget-me-nots flowers started to bloom on Chris's skin.  
Mostly hidden.  
Often old and not so blue anymore. But clear enough to spark sadness and worry in Hyunjin's eyes.  
Chris would smile when he asked questions. A smile that didn't reach the eyes anymore. As he would say a simple "it's okay. I just fell, you know how clumsy I can be".  
It was exactly why Hyunjin was worried.  
Christopher wasn't one to be clumsy.  
He couldn't, not with his job. Not if he wanted to still skate.  
But Hyunjin kept silent and smiled as well, pain etched into his sorrowful eyes as he watched Chris leave yet again.  
Maybe each night, he prayed for him to come back the next day. 

Christopher took his time. He went home, slowly, finishing his chocolate before entering the house.  
He heard noise from the kitchen and somehow instead of feeling better, or relieved, he was anxious.  
He got used to coming back to an empty home.  
Got used to sleeping alone in their bed where the sheets almost didn't smell like Changbin anymore.  
He got used to living in the cold again, even though after tasting what warmth felt like, the cold started to sting like thorns. 

He tried to stay as silent as possible. Took off his shoes that he left at the door as well his bag with his ice skates out. He had to go and sharpen his blades soon.  
He made his way into the house. It smelled good. He didn't remember this smell, Changbin never cooked anymore, or at least he did, but when Chris was asleep.  
He peeked inside the kitchen and saw his boyfriend near the stove stirring some food in a big pot.  
It felt so domestic and it reminded him of older times.  
It reminded him of their first anniversary when Changbin first made them a meal. He brought Chris flowers, myosotis, beautiful and delicate blue flowers, and kissed him softly. Chris had bought him a necklace that year, necklace that Changbin was still wearing to this day. Or Chris hoped he did, because it would mean he wasn't waiting for nothing to change, right ?  
He wanted to hug Changbin, wanted to come up and hug him and never let go. But he was scared.  
He knew not to startle him. He knew not to speak. He knew not to be a burden.  
He learnt how to become the shadow of who he was before. 

"I heard you Chris. I know you're here"  
Said Changbin in a light chuckle.  
Tears pooled at Chris's lower lash line threatening to fall. Why did Changbin sound so… happy ? What was there to be happy about.  
Didn't he remember what he did two days ago ?  
Christopher took another step inside the kitchen, slow and steady, calculated like a toe loop. Changbin stopped stirring when the floorboard creaked under Christopher's step. 

"Do you remember the date honey ?"  
Changbin asked, not a smile in his voice. Just cheer, absolute darkness.  
Chris didn't know. He didn't know the date, nor did he know if he was allowed to talk.  
Talking to Hyunjin today had already been so hard. His voice disappearing like Changbin did long ago.  
"I asked you a question babe"  
He said, turning to face a frozen Christopher near the kitchen table.  
He looked at him dead in the eyes and crossed his arms against his torso. Chris couldn't hold his gaze. So he dipped his head and tried to remember the date.  
He felt the way Changbin was looking him up and down.  
It didn't feel nice.  
It felt nice before.  
But right now he felt like a piece of meat. 

"October… 3rd"  
Finally said Christopher. His voice raspy and almost a whisper. 

"October 3rd. It's your birthday. You turn 28"  
Said Changbin in a happier tone. Say it didn't last, it never did.  
"You lost weight. I don't like it"  
The happiness left just as fast.  
Chris didn't move, didn't dare look up. He was shaking.  
He heard Changbin come closer to him and grab his chin harshly to make him look up.  
"Look at me when I'm talking to you. Isn't that what you want ? Attention ? You're always seeking attention though."  
He said before lightly touching Chris's quivering bottom lip.  
Why did his touch feel so cold ?  
Why were his eyes missing their warmth?  
Where was the boy he fell in love with years ago ? 

"I'm sorry…"  
Was all Chris could say before Changbin heavily slapped him on the cheek making him take a step back and the tears spilled again. He felt so cold they could freeze on his skin. 

"You're always sorry ! Is that all you can be ?!"  
Changbin screamed, slamming his hand on the kitchen counter making Chris whimper.  
Surely the neighbors would hear, right ?  
Yeah, they would come.  
They had to. 

But they never did before.  
Not when Chris was sobbing and screaming trying to escape.  
Not when they heard him crash on the coffee table months ago.  
They never came.  
Never.  
And it would probably be no better. 

Because if Changbin didn't have control over his own life, he would take control on the closest to his life. Meaning, he would take over Chris's life.  
Because he lost control of everything he needed to be in charge of something. And ruining what he felt was the cause of his losing his mind, sounded like a good idea. 

Christopher took another step back.  
He could run out the door. He could. He left the key in the keyhole. He had the time. But where would he go ? Where ?!  
He had no one. His family left for Korea a while back. His friends, he lost them when everything started going bad. And Hyunjin. He didn't want Hyunjin to be stuck in this situation.  
And, somehow, he wanted to keep trying with Changbin. Maybe if he behaved well it would all go back to normal.  
He could fix this.  
He had to.  
Like his posture when he started figure skating. He could fix it. 

Changbin grabbed him by the collar and pinned him against the wall, he didn't care about the tears, he didn't care about anything. This wasn't Changbin. It was a monster.  
"B-binnie please"  
Chris begged taking a hold of Changbin wrist to try and push him off.  
"It hurts please!"  
He cried out as Changbin bashed his head against the wall making his ears ring. 

"Please what? Please leave me alone? What do you want from me Christopher?!" 

"I-I want you to-"  
A sob teared itself from Chris's chest as he struggled to try and free himself.  
"I want you to come back please."  
He begged again, tears and snot wetting his face. He was scared. So scared. 

Thorns.  
That's what it felt like to get a punch from Changbin. Like your skin is getting ripped out by tiny little thorns.  
He fell to the ground trying to make the fall less painful by using one of his hands. The noise was enough to tell that it broke. And the flaring pain made Chris scream. It broke his voice and he knew he had to run. He had to get up and leave this place. Or he would die. He would fucking die by the hand of his boyfriend. 

Changbin looked at him crawling to the door before smashing his foot on his back preventing him from reaching his bag and by extension his phone. 

"Oh Dear. You're not going anywhere. I haven't finished with you. You need to stay it's your birthday after all. I cooked for you and that's how you show gratitude ?"

He smirked and bent down to yank Chris by his hair to make him stand up. He was in pain, tears streaming down and never stopping. His face was already bruised a dark red turning purple where the punch was delivered.  
"Please please Changbin let me leave please!"  
He tried again but all it got him was another fist to his face and a knee in his lower back. Changbin pushing him again to the floor, pinning him there hard enough to hurt again.  
But nothing was as painful as his most precious memories being destroyed and stomped on by the man with whom he lived for so long.  
His heart was in pieces. 

"I love you Chris, you should know better than to act like you do. I love you so so so much"  
He said in a soft voice making Chris panic and beg for him to let him leave. To let him LIVE.  
Changbin took hold of one of Chris's ice skate, unsheathing the blade.  
Christopher started to move more fervently, he needed to run. He had to get away ! 

"I love you so much it hurts Chris. It hurts to love you because everything is just so good to you. You got everything you always wanted. Damn you even got me in your spider web !"  
He raised the skate higher as tears started rolling down his cheek. 

"You ruined my life Christopher. I failed everything because of you ! Because of this stupid thing we had! You took my fucking heart and used it to get attention! You wanted to make yourself look better? AMD now you want to leave me?! I'm all you have left! You're nothing without me!"  
His second hand bashed Chris's head again the floor once then twice making him yell with his broken voice. Both Changbin's legs making it impossible for him to move something else than his own legs.  
Christopher was getting dizzy. The world was spinning more and more and his eyes were blurry because of the tears. 

"I should have never talked to you!"  
Changbin screamed before battering Chris's head with the now blunt blade. He still teared open the skin and all Chris did as a sound was a tiny squeak. Blood poured out from the cut dripping on the wooden floor. Changbin raised the skate and smacked again and again even after he felt Christopher's body go limp under him.  
That's when he realized what he had done. When he looked at his hands, covered in blood, at the white ice skate now stained in carmine. He started shaking, throwing the blade somewhere behind him before looking at Christopher. Looking at the pool of blood under his lover's head. Looking at the broken skull and tumefied face. 

"C-Chris?"  
He asked almost silent as he felt around his future spouse for a pulse.  
"Christopher that… that's not i-"  
A wave of nausea overtook him but he didn't move.  
He just killed his boyfriend. He killed Christopher.  
"I didn't mean to I omg"  
With trembling hands he rummaged through Chris's bag and found his phone, he unlocked it and a pained whine left him seeing the lockscreen of them kissing.  
He typed in the emergency number and he really understood what he had done. 

"911 what's your emergency?"

A long silence followed before Changbin found it in himself to talk through the pain and sobs. 

"I killed my boyfriend."

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed


End file.
